For the past three years I have celebrated Mother’s Day with my kids, husband and in laws. I have loved every year and I have stayed strong each year with not a tear in sight. Until today.
Today, Mother’s Day, recital day and the first day I have been back to my mothers grave site in almost 3 years. Many are going to read that as I’m a bad daughter for not going more often. Let me say though that yes this is where my mother is buried but it isn’t where I feel her. I feel her at night when we say prayers before bed, I feel her when I’m in dollar tree ( our favorite place to kill time ) , I feel her at South Omaha Church of God, and I feel her at the thrift store where the books are. All these places give me good memories of her where as where she is buried is a beautiful spot but we were never there together to make beautiful memories. But today I headed back there for me but also to bring Weston to where his nana is.
Yes he is never going to remember but I think it helped opened me up some. Today was the first day since my mother passed that I finally broke down and bawled for most of the day just missing her. For the past three years I have put a wall up thinking I had to be strong for my family so they could grieve and I could keep everything together. These past few weeks I have come to realize that in order to be able to be happy I needed to take a step back and grieve fully so I can be at one with what has happened.
Today I not only started to grieve but turned to God for guidance and strength as I grieve for my mother and have faith for what is to come. While we aren’t promised today, tomorrow or next week we are promised the love of the Lord. He is there for us all we have to do is turn around and be there with him.
The Lord has walked me through a hard day that towards the end I was able to cry happy tears as I watched my beautiful sister dance gracefully across the stage in her last dance recital of her high school career. I was blessed to be able to see what God has done in her life to bring her where she is now and I am forever grateful to be able to continue to watch what the lord has in store for her in the coming years.